My goal in this blog and in life is to touch, lift, and encourage others so, I hope I can achieve this with every blog I do. My name is Elia, I am thirty one years old and I was born with Cerebral Palsy. I am the oldest of five children. I am confined to a wheelchair and I have to have total assistance with every need in my life. God has been with me my whole life but, I wasn't always with God. I always straddled the fence with Christianity. I always had that desire but, when things didn't fit, or go the way I wanted, I'd walk away from him. Now, I can't imagine my life without him.
You imagine growing up, moving out, falling in love, getting married, having babies and living happily every after. The truth of the matter is, life most of the time doesn't work out that way. You could not convince me otherwise through. I was extremely sheltered and was naive to most things and people. I wanted babies, I wanted love, and most of all, I wanted my independence. It wasn't until 2009, when "my reality" would be severely challenged. I began dating a guy with a similar condition as me. After meeting him, I thought I had found the one.
A few months later, we were talking marriage and kids. He like I wanted kids so badly. We talked about how we would actually care for these kids. I told him that I would have to think about everything. The next day, God would give me answer to that very question. My mother and father divorced back in 2000 and he has since married twice. He and his wife had welcomed a baby boy three months prior to this upcoming revelation. I went to my dad's for a visit. Something came up with his work and had to leave suddenly. So, I just kept my stepmom and the baby company. After a while, I asked her for some water. So, she put the baby in the bouncy seat and went to pour me some water. As she reached for the glass, the baby started squirming out of the bouncy seat. She ran quickly to grab him before he fell. I then thought to myself, if that would have been us, the baby would have been severely injured, as neither of us would have been quick enough to catch him. Right then and there, I realized that having a baby together could never be.
I called him when I got put to bed, as I did every night. I told him what I had realized and that it would best if we didn't have kids. I explained to him the dangers the baby would face, as well as the physical, mental, and financial strain we would face. I didn't even know if my body could handle a pregnancy. My ultimate concern was not being able to care for our child and give it the life it deserves. He had a difference of opinion on the subject and he thought it best if we went our separate ways and so we did.
My life then was extremely stressful, my care really started to go downhill. My mother applied for the wavier care program which would help her with my care in 1998. It ended up being a ten year wait. We thought we hit the jackpot and we did. The jackpot from hell! I always defended my caretakers to a fault, even putting them ahead of my family. Sometimes, I didn't see the evil, I think I refused to see it. I thought things would get better, they got even worse, much worse! The only time I turned to God was when I needed him to get me out of trouble and he often did.
I really took his grace as well as my family for granted! I would come to pay for that very quickly and for a long time. After he got me out of my last ordeal, I gave my life to God in 2010. However, tensions between my family and I were intensifying. I left my house for a couple weeks as I tried to find my independence to get away from my overprotective mother unaware of the danger and hell I would be walking in. Bureaucracy is a bunch of sticky red type and most people don't have your best interest at heart. Over the years, I've been mentally, emotionally abused, starved and neglected. I chose not to tell my mother because after everything I put her through, I thought I deserved what I got. I thought God was punishing me for going against her and putting others before herself. Looking back years later, he probably was. Some people say, God's spanking is worse than any other spanking you could ever receive in your life, I happen to agree!
My hell including my high school years lasted a total of 14 years. In August of last year, our hell ended and peace and happiness inhabited our home once again. I finally qualified for the self-direction programs which allows the family the freedom of hiring and firing staff. The out state agency called acumen only provides the pay check.
I'm finally free of the abuse and constant uncertainty of who would be walking in my doorway. Now, I'm being cared for by family and friends. Most of all, I am closer to God than ever. I am in a constant state of happiness. Now, not only accept myself and my physical circumstances, but, I love it. It is because of my infirmity that we are all together and forever united. I used to see it as a burden and an ever present obstacle in my life. Now, I see it as a chain breaking, soul changing miracle that has made me the strong christian woman that I am today! Now, the phrase "Thy will be done" rings in my mind everyday. Depression and pain are no longer a part of my life. I carry my cross which is my infirmity and follow him.
Moral of the story, don't give up on life, you never know the rainbow that is waiting for you at the end of the storm. God has tripled my blessings for my troubles and he will do the same for you!
~Elia~
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